Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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