I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
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