you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Randomize
