How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
