so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
