I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
why do cheetos always look like penises
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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