She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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