Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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