Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
