He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
