I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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