is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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