When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
