I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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