She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
