You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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