You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
And then he peed in my hair
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