My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
