I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
