It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
My dick has a subreddit
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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