so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
