maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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