God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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