Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
