his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
