I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
