I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
