I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
this will be a night to untag.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
