Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
