My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
