Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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