I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
