Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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