I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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