listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
