oh god the rape fog is back!
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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