You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
