woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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