went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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