My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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