So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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