why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
