I hate all girls vehemently.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
