Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
