I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Even my vagina gasped.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
