I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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