From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
