...so i touched it.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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