Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
