How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
