you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
