A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
