I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
