his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Come share oat with me in your robe
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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