WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
