I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
