DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Michael Bay diarrhea
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
