I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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